Thing I Learnt - 21 July

Coming close to my breaking point.
Years back, I'd run back home with my tail between my legs and cry myself to sleep among others.
Over time, it felt silly and downright useless to be doing just that.
So, from self deprecation in various negative manner, my negativity channeled itself outward. Onto any unsuspecting idiots. Back then, there were plenty of those who sometimes make you wonder if they are a glutton for punishment when they know that I'd snap yet they still turn to me.

After one or two talks, I realized how innocent these people are and that venting out on them is just transferring my frustration on to them. No matter how much they may deserve it, part of me felt guilty for turning their day crappy. Even if they did ask for it indirectly.

Nowadays, I get angry at myself. So much so that I get agitated. Then, the feeling loses its identity that I can't tell anymore what it is.

Anger? Frustration? Disappointment? Masked sorrow?
All that was clear to me was the need to just be rid of them by doing something physical. It is as though there is this pent up energy in me that needed release.

Is this what a morning wood feels like?
Is this how blue balls happen?

No, mine isn't all sexual. Physical but not necessarily the urge to get intimate.
Friends suggest sex.
But then again, my respondents are guys who seem to be trying to get in my pants.

I wonder if my desperation is that apparent or they are trying their luck a bit too hard.