The gift that wasn't

Many a times in life,we are gifted something which makes us wonder why did the gift-er even bother in the first place. As someone (who aims to be) practical, logical and sensible, buying gifts for any occasion can be a futile effort. How many times have you received things that serve no real purpose apart from collecting dust? The worst offenders are festive novelties. Mugs, ornaments, figurines. I'd rather get cold hard cash or coupons to get something I would really have a use or like.

Of course, it takes the element of surprise away but Mother Nature hands that to me almost every other month that I could make do with some boring, mundane routine. Yes, period. I am talking about you.

In the grander scheme of things, one may argue that it is the thought that counts so I should count my blessings that someone even bothered to get me gift(s). Well, that is true to a certain extent. But, if I was really in your thoughts and you aren't just being too lazy to think of a better gift, what kind of thoughts of me did you have when you bought it? Trying to get into my pants don't count. Your gift would have been along the lines of a diamond ring, tennis bracelet and the likes.

Some men are blessed with the innate ability to buy gifts that make sense to them but leave their women baffled and if they deserve a wake up call with slap on the head with a chair. Who hasn't heard of the joke about the husband who bought the wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas as he thought it would make her life better? Sure, it's practical as hell but what exactly are you trying to imply there? If you are really that concerned about the workload, why not you do it yourself? Or better still, hire someone else to.

But this just may top the list of thing that you may not want to surprise the lady with.

Imagine waking up to your anniversary with a box of this. I know, it's difficult for any men to understand what's the big deal about big pussy. Actually, it is a big thing for you since your manhood would probably feel inadequate without these.

Would I feel flattered or insulted?

If you happen to be the one who brought it to that state, insulted. This covers prolong use, misuse and overuse. Oh and child bearing too if you ever become crazy enough to think that I'd make a good half of parent.
If your junk happen to shrunk like bad jeans after a machine cycle (fyl)... well, just fyl. For reasons more than one. Hopefully no longer than your manhood.